My name is Jessi.
Top Fandoms: Klaine, Malec, Bamon..
I never know what to say for these things..
Burt Hummel is an inconsistent insomniac. About once a month, he finds himself wide awake in the middle of the night, Carole snoring lightly beside him, and can’t manage to will himself back to sleep.
This is not unusual.
What IS unusual— not exactly rare over the last few months, since Finn and Rachel got back together, but not particularly common, either — is Burt being able to hear the somewhat muffled but still easily identifiable sound of squeaking bed springs. He’s out of bed and heading down the hall to tell them to keep it down (which usually puts a stop to these middle-of-the-night trysts for a few weeks, anyway) when he freezes.
Those are definitely bed squeaks, but they are NOT coming from Finn’s room.
Shit. This just got a lot more complicated.
Burt has known for some time now that Kurt and Blaine are having sex. He’d flat-out asked Kurt once, and Kurt had made an undignified noise but answered honestly, including telling him they use protection every time. So. Burt knows, and he has (mostly) made his peace with the fact that his baby boy isn’t so innocent anymore.
He doesn’t like to interfere with their relationship much, simply because he knows they get enough interference from the rest of the world. He gives them a little more leeway than maybe he should — lets them close the door when they’re alone, doesn’t check on them as often as he does Finn and Rachel, that sort of thing. At the very least, he knows there’s no chance one of them will end up pregnant.
Still, they DO need to keep it down. Burt just doesn’t want to have to tell them, because while Kurt will take it in stride, Blaine will get all earnestly apologetic and embarrassed, and it will be awkward all around for a few days while he tries to be extra respectful to make up for it. Burt HATES when he does that, but there’s no easy way to tell the kid he’s being too polite.
Burt needs a plan.
He creeps back into his bedroom and looks around in the dark, spying his phone sitting on the nightstand, illuminated by the glow of his alarm clock. Perfect.
Text message it is. Maybe they won’t get it until after Blaine has gone home (which he definitely will, because he wasn’t there when Burt went to bed last night, so he wouldn’t dare be there when Burt wakes up in the morning), so some of the awkwardness can be avoided.
But what to say? He doesn’t want to come across as angry, because he isn’t, but he wants them to get the point.
The message he decides upon makes him laugh, so he sends it to both of them and to Carole for good measure, in case he forgets to mention this to her in the morning.
Burt: “The next time I hear you having sex in the middle of the night, Carole and I will make it into a contest. Keep it down, because you WILL lose.”
This works so well because it captures Burt’s combination of discomfort and generosity. No, of course he doesn’t want them having sex in his home, but it isn’t as simple as that. Also, it’s fucking hilarious.
a guy once told my lesbian friend that being a lesbian is a huge turn off for guys and that she’ll never find a boyfriend.